-FRIENDS-AND-LOVERS-

I know i’m WAY late on this

but Motion City Soundtrack… AWESOME -_-

Snow

It’s finally snowing :) It’s a good thing, now I can see how my tired handle in the snow :p

Underoath

Is all i’ve been listening to lately. They somehow make me feel better. I’ve found that i’m detached from majority of my emotions. It’s only gotten worse since Vegas. The main reason is because I can’t stand myself when I feel everything. I can be either a helpless baby or a bastard who only cares about few. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel but I don’t spend hours feeling…just moments. My life has felt depressing because I was unwilling to take chances and enjoy it. Always spent time thinking and thinking and rarely lived in the moment. 

I am happier when living that when thinking about living and I would like to find someone that would argue that.

I was looking at the Vegas trip as a disaster with some amazing moments. A month later I realize that the fight was inevitable. I can’t be the same person around her because I can’t be the sad hope things get better Matt. I can be serious and talk about things but there is a point where talking becomes either pointless or self destructive. I was bouncing between them both. 

Fact is, the night I spent on the strip with my friends was amazing. We did nothing but hangout and have fun. Going to the park finished that part of the night off with one thing missing. Instead of living I thought through the kiss and missed out again. That was my one regret on that week.

The fight sucked and things were said but they apparently needed to be said. I don’t regret that anymore because it’s true i’m not the same Matt that left Vegas that Rachel remembers. I don’t see myself going back to that person. I may be detached from some of my feelings but it helps me get by day to day. When you life is working and sleeping and your only interactions are the people you work with, you tend to stop feeling. 

Despite everything, I am happy. I am, I only wish I could share it with my friends.

And somehow Underoath makes things feel ok, helps me forget the bad and just enjoy the moment :) 

One major thing

Has changed about me. I used to spend days wondering what if this didmt happen or did. Then wishing I could change things. Recently I caught myself wondering but not in the same fashion. Instead of wishing things to change I find myself to be curious as to why things happened and curious about where things are going. A year ago i’d be inveloped by my past and barely pay attention to the things around me. I’m finding myself thinking about the future and present now, rarely in the past. I think i’ve had a breakthrough at some point :) finally!

Fuck…

Being… The second choice The friend The brother The shoulder to cry on The person to run to

I can never catch a break. I work my ass off for the money to get a car and I break my fucking toe. I get a car and nobody to hangout with. I try and try to make things better yet seem to get crapped on anytime I move forward. I want more than what I have. Any chance I take with love blows up in my face so fuck it! Why try anymore!?

Got My Car and Broke My Toe!!! What a Day :D

My Car

I used to be afraid to drive when I lived in Vegas. Mainly because I have seem some horrific accidents and heard horror stories. It used to be a major fear of mine, even when I moved out here I was afraid to drive in the snow. Though I haven’t driven on snow covered roads yet, I am confident with driving.

Been saving up for a vehicle since last December. I would have had $4,500-$5,000 if I didn’t spend what I did on my brother and nephew coming out for the holidays and my trip to Vegas.

I got my license on November 5th, it made me so happy. I got back from Vegas and noticed a car down the road for $2,600. 2001 Pontiac Sunfire, took me a couple days to check it out. When I did, I wanted it right then, every other car I was looking at in that price range was 115,000 miles or more and this only had 84,000. Two sets of rims, a nice sound system, which added together are worth around 2,000 new. It’s a deal that I didn’t let pass me by. Now because of the holiday weekend, I have to wait till Monday to officially be able to call it mine! :D